The dichotomy of...me.

When in doubt...write...right? That has always been my moto...my escape to some degree....my outlet...my way of expressing...my thoughts...my dreams...my heart...me. When the heaviness of my world...weights as boulders upon my shoulders...giving me no relief...I write...I pour it out...the words that demand to be said...spoken...as if I have no say-so at all ...in the matter. A burden so heavy at times that I find that I am a slave to the weight...to the words. Writing is my way of pouring it all out...all that is...in me...all that is...me.  Some things...I welcome...the letting go of...good riddance...I can't let go fast enough...and then there are times that I find...that I FIGHT...within myself....to hold onto...for just a bit longer...to those things that I deemed...as necessary...as real...those things that...to me went beyond description...beyond explanation...beyond labels...beyond words. Dichotomy...oh how I have grown to hate that word...cause for me it represents...a division...a separation...of what I thought...verses...what I think...what I know...do you know just how frustrating that is?  Wishing I could whip the slate clean...un-do....all that...has undone me. To not know...what I know...Oh how delusional that sounds...knowing that we can't learn the lesson...without the test...have the resolution...minus the trial...have the victory...without the battle scars...to feel nothing but love...and none of the lose. If only it was as simply as writing it all out...and being done with it. Life...sometimes is just not that easy. As if...putting it on paper...could erase all of life's hurts...all the pain...all the deception...some hurts can't let go of us so easily...some I guess we have to trust that time will take care of.

Kristy Turnage
5/27/2011