Hi....I'm Kristy...and this is my blog...a place that I come to share what is on my mind and on my heart at the time. You are more than welcome to follow along with me. Hope that maybe there is something that you read here that touches your heart or moves you in some way. Seems it has taken me a lifetime to find my voice...and now that I have....I intend to use it. Live life large...and enjoy the ride.
The true measure of a person... Is not in the great feats they master... Or in the following they have... Nor the amount of money they make. It can't be found in their title...or their schooling... It can't be gauged by the accolades they acquire... Nor the amount of people that look to them...as a leader... It's not in their abilities...or in their deficiencies... It's not something that you can acquire...or learn...or come to believe... It's not in the size of their estate...or the number of associates that scramble at their feet... It's not in the accomplishments they have made...at all... The measure of a person...is always revealed in the heart...of that person... It is seen in how they're willing to "go to bat" for that one that is being ridiculed? It is seen in the person that rises to the challenge of defending those that can't defend themselves... It is seen in the person that hurts for those those around them...that hurt... It is seen in the person that is willing to defend those that are in need... And those that have been abused...those left broken...and used. Defending those that have stood alone...but can now...no longer stand...on their own... Rescuing those that no longer have the strength to stand...against their accusers... It is seen in the person that goes without...all...so that someone else can have...some... It is seen in the person that chooses be a voice...for those that no longer can find their own... It is seen in the one that holds the spoon to the mouth...of the one that no longer can hold the spoon... It is seen in the person...that continuously sacrifices self...without thought of recoupment... It is seen in the person that has a heart for others... I would rather be the person...or associate with the person...that is moved to do the right thing...because in their heart...even though maybe they, themselves can't fully explain it... They are just moved...to do so...to always place others first... That...is the measure of a person.
So I find myself…here… With so many thoughts… Things on my heart… Words… See…that’s what I keep coming back to… Words…. That one word…speaks…volumes… It’s never just words…not to me… To me they mean…so much more… They signify…truth…honor…integrity… A bond…revelation shared… Honesty…declared… Understood…trusted… A gift…shared… So many things… But never…Ever…“Nothing“… My words matter… They count… Not spoken in vain… Not shared...to take up space… Not to make light of...pain... Never to fill a void… Sometimes…to put in place… Not to be overlooked.... Dismissed...or displaced... They are no longer mere letters... Held together on paper… Being accompanied by sounds and syllables… No…they are now a testament of truth… My truth… And at the end of the day… That’s what I am left with… My words… My truth.
Sometimes... In my mind...it's as if...I can still see her... That girl...12 years old...so clearly... Bare-footed...tom-boy...and by appearance...tough... Only she knows the truth...that within...she is so tender... So easily broken...bruised...simply by the words spoken... Denim shorts...red and white quarter length sleeve shirt... So determined...and with a confidence... No...correction...not confidence... It's a desperation that moves her forward... Desperate to be free of this heaviness... At 12...she feels as though she is carrying... The weight of the world...on her shoulders... A desperation...that she is beginning to know too well... She finds herself...as if...on a mission... Heading down that old dirt path... That same path...that she has walked... So many times before... Taking her to that old familiar place... Her place...to pour it all out... Quiet...alone...content to just sit... Her place to think...to contemplate... To try and understand...all that has happened... To try to make sense of it all...to grow... With all the strength this girl possesses...she continues on... Arms swinging...back and forth...as her stride becomes faster... Her mind so aware...of what her heart feels...and the weight she carries... Picking up the pace now...time is of the essence... She reaches her destination...throwing herself to the ground... Her knees hitting the ground as her hands follow... Head bowed...her face so close to the dirt...that she can actually smell it... It is here...that she finds solace...rest for her soul.... It's here...that she learned to cry out to God... Down here...at the plant-bed...that she first began to pour-out... It's here that the tears fall...freely to the ground... Washing away all her pain...all her secrets...all her hurts... All those things that have weighed... so heavy on her.... All the hurts she has seen...and heard...felt... It's here that she realizes...that she can be free... Weightless...empty of it all... By giving it all over...to God... It's here...that she began to understand the difference... Between the pain...and the gift... It's here that she began to see... That she is just the... Conduit... ...from which the gift should flow... Kristy Fields Turnage 3-26-2011
There are times...I find... That my heart...cries out... It simply...just cries out.... From the very depth...of who I am... It cries out...as unto the deep...
Screaming even...wondering... Can anybody...hear me? Feel my pain...my hurt? Sometimes I feel stuck in this place... Of heartache...of hurt...of grief... Searching for the ability...to just breath... That simple act...no longer comes naturally... Conscious effort has to now be made... Each inhale a painful reminder... Each exhale a sacrificial sigh... Sometimes it's as though... I am screaming out...to deaf ears? Wondering why...I have to scream...at all? Is it that hard...to hear...me? To just listen? Really? Wish I could understand the depth... To which I feel things...it's so deep... So very deeply...I find I hurt for people... Deep within me is this need...to make things right... To fix all the brokenness...that touches my life... My heart cries out...for the pain...I feel...but can not fix... My heart cries out for the pain that I carry... Inflicted by others...yet...carried by me... My heart cries out...for friendships... Built on truth...common-ground...and honesty... Sharing a sacred bond...held to a higher standard... That left only pain and deception...in it's wake... But mostly...the selfish part of me...cries out... To be free...of this painful burden...this heavy weight... To be able to move on...move forward...pain-free... It's the heart that searches...for reassurance. That seeks out the truth... And not the truth as displayed...today... But consistent...today and tomorrow... Is it too much to ask for a constant? Something steady to hold too? Solid ground? Something trustworthy...reliable. Can people just please...hold your ground... I mean...really...consistency people... It's not that hard... But it is...key. But...until then...I am here...and for you... My heart cries out.
Never thought I'd ever say this... But...there are times... That I long...to just be...empty. Void of it all... Poured out...done... No longer the carrier...of things... Broken promises...burdens...hurts...pain...brokenness... Sad secrets...never to be spoken...shared in confidence... Poured out of one broken vessel...into another... Willingly...taken in...consumed...processed...dealt with...felt. I feel it in the very depth of me...of who I am... It goes to my very core...a hurt beyond description... A hurt that was never mine...alone... But mine to bare...to carry...to support... Sometimes I find that I am just...tired... Heart tired...bone tired...emotionally tired... It's then that... I long to crawl into my mama's lap... Hear her say..."shush...it's okay...you're okay... Those two words...they make everything perfect... "You're okay"..."I've got you... You're safe...stop your fretting...just be quiet"... As her hand softly brushes my hair from my face... Oh, to be back there...innocent...pure... As all children should be...sigh... Guess, I'm too old for that now... Today I find that I am just tired... Tired and yet, I struggle with that as well... If I don't carry the burden...who will? Who will hurt for that one in need? Who will stand in the gap...on their behalf? Who will be the bridge? Who will feel their pain? See their hurt? Look beyond the mask...to what's real? Burdens so heavy... that the weight consumes... A tangible heaviness on your chest... At times...making it hard to breath... A task...not many volunteer for... There are not many accolades... Bestowed upon the one...in this position... I can honestly say in life.... for me... It's never been about titles...position... Power...or money... That's never been what I am about... For some...maybe...but not for me... I love people...and for this position... The only skill necessary... Is a willingness to serve. And...that I have...and will. But if it's okay...for just this moment... For this second... Could I just be... Empty.
Everytime you were hurt... By what others whispered... I felt...your heart. Everytime you were rejected... By those you thought...were your friends... I felt...your heart. Everytime you fell asleep with tears on your cheeks... Hoping to wake up and find...it was all just a bad dream... I felt...your heart. Everytime you walked into a room with your head lowered... I felt...your heart. Everytime you thought...maybe I'll get it right...this time... I felt...your heart. Everytime you pretended to not care... Knowing...that at that moment... Your world was crumbling... I felt...your heart. Everytime you found it hard to breath... Because life had knocked the breath out of you... I felt...your heart. Everytime your heart was pierced by unkind words... I felt...your heart. Everytime you cried out for help... For someone...anyone...to rescue you... I felt...your heart. Everytime you were made to endure more... Than you thought you could physically take... I felt...your heart. Everytime you wished...you were good enough... I felt...your heart. Everytime you wished...you were prettier... I felt...your heart. Everytime you wished...you were smarter... I felt...your heart. Everytime you felt that you didn't fit in...or measure up... I felt...your heart. From the first time I looked in the mirror... Through all your moments of pain... I felt...your heart... Stop.
I said earlier today that I was so thankful...to which I was asked..."Why? Why...are you thankful?" I am quiet sure my list could go on indefinitely...sigh...where to start...where to begin? I am so thankful for the family that I was born into...for the heritage that I have...I am thankful for those beautiful people that came before me...and prayed...chances are...they never even knew me...but they prayed for their children...and for their childrens' children...and somewhere in that line-up...was me..and my children. I am thankful for a grandmother that was so sincere in everything she said and did. She had a heart so tender...that you could see her heart...in her eyes. A love so consuming and as thick as honey...that when it was poured out...it was as if...it was being poured out of a 50 gallon drum...saturating you...from the top of your head to the very soles of your feet. A love stronger than my heart can even fathom. She was the first person...I ever saw Jesus in. I am thankful that God saw fit...to make me her granddaughter. I am thankful for parents that loved us without limits...taught us right from wrong...corrected us...praised us...taught us what it meant to believe in family and to always be there for each other. Taught us that it was okay to disagree on an issue...but there comes a time that the disagreement has to be set aside(normally at the supper table)...so that family can be family. Cause even though we don't always think the same...about everything...the blood that runs through us...remains the same. Family is important. The longer I live...the more I realize that not all families are like mine. I'm thankful that we are so close and loving. I'm thankful that I can always depend on them and they in turn can depend on me. I am thankful for the amazing friendships that I have had the honor of experiencing along my life's journey. Friendships that have held me...shaped me...carried me...and changed me...into the person I am today. I am thankful for a Shepard that is more like a brother...who has come to my rescue so many times. I am thankful for a sister that loves me...in spite of all my faults. I am thankful for a man...that is more like a best friend. Who see's in me...what I most often don't see in myself. He reminds me of my talents and abilities...my gift for words...even of the size of my tender heart and how that in itself...makes me different than most. I am so thankful for my two beautiful children. I'm thankful for the amazing people they are growing up to be. I am thankful that they both strive to do good...to be good...to serve those that need a helping hand. I wonder if they know...that they are continuously teaching me. I am thankful...for even the hard lessons of life. Those things that I thought would break me...those that caused me such sadness. Those that made me question...my worth...my value...my self. I'm thankful that I can look back now...and see that even in those tragedies...God brought me through. He made me stronger...He helped me see...that because I had suffered those things that I had a choice...I could allow those things to cripple me and be a victim...or I could rise up...and use it as a platform to help and encourage others that had suffered similar abuse. I chose life...I chose to live. Truth is...we all have those things...that happen to us...you know? Sometimes life...will drop us to our knees and knock the very breath out of us...This past week...once again...I felt it in my own life...last Sunday night at 8:40pm...my beautiful 16 year old daughter...was coming from church...she didn't realize it as she made her way home that she was being followed...he then made her stop her car...at which time he pulled a gun on her. She managed to get away from him...traumatized and changed...within seconds...life can change us. That night could have ended so very different...that I do know...so well. I have not stopped thanking God...every second of everyday since...for holding my baby in his hands. Thank you will never be enough...for what my heart feels. So if you ask me "Why I am thankful?" My question to you is...How can I not be thankful? How can I not?
In a world that continues to try to tell us who we are ....Here we stand...just being who we are...and we are who we are and as strong as we are because of the struggles and trials that we have not only endured but also come through. So here I am! Stronger!
