Where We Meet

Desperately Seeking…searching for more…
In need of you…I’m face down on the floor…
The silence is golden…yet at times so loud…
Purely I’m seeking...As your presence abounds…
Set apart in this moment…Holy…unto this place…
A sanctuary in this closet…I’m just seeking your face…
No longer surrounded…by mere clothes and shoes…
Now in your presence…it’s your heart that I choose…
My hands lifted before you…Desiring to be filled…
Refusing to leave this place…until your heart for me is revealed…
I have been waiting for you…and I have felt the weight…
My heaviness the result of distance…now more than I can take…
I am as the woman…that fought through the crowd…
So much confusion…Their voices so loud…
Hoping for not just a glimpse…but in need of a touch…
I come to where we meet…needing you so much…
If I can but touch you here…where all things are made new…
Made whole…complete…perfected…in you.
Kristy Turnage
5-23-2010

My Superman

How do I begin..."Thank you"...
For so many things...really...
Those two words seem so absolutely empty...
They sound so hollow…when being compared...
With the heart behind those words...
Those words can't express what my heart feels...
What it has always felt...for you...
They don't tell you how much you mean to me...
How could they? Some things felt just can't be made verbal...
They can only be felt...lived out loud...experienced...
All the" I Love You's" tallied up...Would never even come close...
To revealing or relaying what my heart feels for you...
I think back to the beginning...my beginning...
How when I was small...all I ever wanted was to be like you...
If you ate it or drank it...I did too...
If you were going...I wanted to go too...
I wanted so badly to be like you...to make you proud...
My hero...my superman...my daddy...
There was nothing too hard for you...
Nothing you couldn't do...No feat too large...
I told you yesterday...that you were my superman...
And you looked at me...crying...shaking your head...
And you said...over and over,"No, I'm not superman"...
"I ain't nothing"...and so many tears...
And I told you then..."Yes, Daddy, you are"...
"In my eyes...you always have been"...
"And always will be"...no matter what…larger than life...
I know you feel as though this disease...
Has stolen so many things from you...and it has...
Your vision...your balance...your speech...
Your ability to do for yourself...
And I can't imagine how hard that must be for you...
A man who has worked so hard all of his life...
But daddy...let me say...no matter what this disease takes...
There are some things that it can never take away...
And that is...the man that you are…and always will be...in my eyes...
Nothing will ever change that...not time...and not this disease...
I've often thought...that a father has three jobs...
And they are…To love his family...to provide for his family...
And to protect his family...and you have done all those things...
And done them well…Lovingly...willingly...so selflessly...
You are....and always will be...no matter what…
Super-natural...super-human...super-hero...
My Superman...

Kristy Turnage
5-17-2010

Isolate

I wish I had the words to express…

Everything that I need to express…

And I am so aware of the fact...

That I NEED to express it…

But my mind says to just shut down…

That no one else needs or wants…

To know how or what I am feeling…

I just want to shut myself off from everyone…

I don’t want to talk to anyone…

I don’t want to interact with anyone…

I just want to close myself off from everyone around me…

Isolate…hide…find refuge in my self…

My thoughts…my hopes…my dreams…

Sometimes that’s the only place we feel safe…

No people…no condemnation…no judgment…

Only me…and my thoughts…my hurts…

But there is still that need within me…

That need I have to be heard…

And for someone to say that “It’s okay”…

That everything is going to be “okay”…

That I’m okay…

And that time will come…

That message will come…

But for right now…

This moment…

This very second…

I will take the time I need…

To isolate…

Kristy Turnage

3-9-10

Ever

Ever make a wish....
Knowing it can't come true...
Ever waited for a dream...
And watched it slip away from you...
Ever needed to see a truth....
But so blinded by what's gone....
Desperately wanting to see more clearly....
But the reflection is just you...alone...
Ever wonder what its like....
To just wade past the breakers....
Ever wanted to keep going....
Knowing there's no one there to save ya...
To just sit...alone and drift....
Taking in all that surrounds you....
Ever wanted to escape....
Have a start that was brand new?
Seriously seeking for the answers is never an easy task....
Soul searching can take its toll...
But sometimes it's the soul searching in the end...
That was the life lesson...in itself.

Kristy Turnage
1/28/2010

"Now"

Beyond all your yesterdays...
Every hurt, every pain, every fear...
Beyond the memories of past disappointments...
Beyond the many tears...
Beyond the many heartaches...
Wrong decisions that were made...
Beyond the broken relationships...
Beyond the hurts that still remain...
But...not yet in tomorrow...
Those things that are still to come...
The struggles with..what might be...
Anxiety over the unknown.
Over the maybe's or the what if's...
Those things yet to be seen..
The worry, the panic, the fear...
The uneasiness that creep into your dreams...
So don't get caught up in what was...
Or what could...possibly be....
Instead keep your eyes on this moment...
Shut out all the noise and...just breath...
This is the moment that counts...
So live life to the fullest...live it large and live it loud....
Once this moments gone...you can't get it back...
So never loose sight of the "NOW".

Kristy Turnage
4-27-2010

Perfect -- No

There are no perfect people....In this world of imperfection...
None that have not fallen...None that are without a past....
None that don't carry secrets...None that have not suffered...
At the hands of another...None that don't bare the scars...
None that are unaffected...By their own insecurities...
If I've ever given you the impression...
That my life is perfect....Or that I have it all  together...
Or that I am without sin....Or that I have not made wrong decisions...
Then please let me be the very first to say....I am so sorry...you have been misled...
Or if your impression of me is that...I think I am better than you in any way....
Then you truly don't know me at all...Truth is.....
I have known what its like to suffer at the hands of another...
I have known what it's like to live in fear...
I have known what it's like to keep the secret...
I have known what it's like to fear for my life...
And to fear for the very lives of those that I love more than life...
I have known what its like to be hurt beyond measure...
To be  told over and over again that I deserved it...That I was nothing...
That I even asked for it....That if I had just kept my mouth shut...
Or if I said anything it would be worse the next time...
Perfect---No...
I have made more mistakes than can be counted...
I have had my innocence stolen...I have suffered in silence....
I have had to keep the secret....For years................
I do not live under the illusion that I am perfect...
By any stretch of the term....I have been my own worst enemy....
Never good enough...Never pretty enough...
Never smart enough...Most of my entire life...
Not because I wanted to be a victim.....
But because I believed that I was.....
I have even suffered at my own hand....
Decisions made in haste...
Decisions based on feeling and not wisdom...
To my own detriment....Not giving heed to wisdom....
I know what its like to constantly ask...The same questions over and over...
"What is wrong with me?"..."Why do I feel different?"
"Why did that have to happen to me?"..."Where was my knight in shining armor?"
But you know what?????? I am unique in who I am...but...
No different than every other person on this planet....
Truth is we have all suffered....
At some point we all ask the very same questions...
The difference is....
I am no longer content to live with that mindset...That I am beneath anyone or anything...
I accept the fact that I have made mistakes....Plenty.....
I also accept the fact that life is not fair...I accept the fact that I am who I am....
And you know what???
I am amazing....I am beautiful...intelligent...talented....creative...compassionate...
Caring...gifted...social and loving...I am who I am...not in spite of what I have experienced....
But because of what I have experienced...Don't misunderstand...It does not in any way define WHO I am...But it does give me a platform to stand on and help others...
That have also known abuse at the hands of another...
I say all this not so that you will pity me..please don't feel sorry for me....that is not the purpose of this...The purpose is this...there is life after abuse...we are called to not only survive...but to thrive...Learn to walk in forgiveness...love with all that is in you... and live your life large. Don't allow what happened in your past to steal your future...or more importantly...your today...right now...this moment...the only one that truly matters.
Kristy Turnage
4-20-10

 

Our Worth

Why is it so hard for some of us to see our own worth...our value...our goodness...for some of us its a daily struggle to rise above the negative self images...that seem to perpetuate our thoughts...we search for our value in the eyes of others... we are starving to be affirmed by those around us...we seek our validation in ways that prove our talent...our skills...our abilities....we seek this validation but we seek it in the wrong places...Until we get the revelation ourselves...we will continue to question our own worth...and will continued to be swayed by the opinions of others...Its only when we truly realize that we are absolutely beautiful...not because of our looks...not because of our abilities...not because of things we have done...we are beautiful because of who we are...simply beautiful...created beautiful....
Kristy Turnage
2-14-2010