Hi....I'm Kristy...and this is my blog...a place that I come to share what is on my mind and on my heart at the time. You are more than welcome to follow along with me. Hope that maybe there is something that you read here that touches your heart or moves you in some way. Seems it has taken me a lifetime to find my voice...and now that I have....I intend to use it. Live life large...and enjoy the ride.
When in doubt...write...right? That has always been my moto...my escape to some degree....my outlet...my way of expressing...my thoughts...my dreams...my heart...me. When the heaviness of my world...weights as boulders upon my shoulders...giving me no relief...I write...I pour it out...the words that demand to be said...spoken...as if I have no say-so at all ...in the matter. A burden so heavy at times that I find that I am a slave to the weight...to the words. Writing is my way of pouring it all out...all that is...in me...all that is...me. Some things...I welcome...the letting go of...good riddance...I can't let go fast enough...and then there are times that I find...that I FIGHT...within myself....to hold onto...for just a bit longer...to those things that I deemed...as necessary...as real...those things that...to me went beyond description...beyond explanation...beyond labels...beyond words. Dichotomy...oh how I have grown to hate that word...cause for me it represents...a division...a separation...of what I thought...verses...what I think...what I know...do you know just how frustrating that is? Wishing I could whip the slate clean...un-do....all that...has undone me. To not know...what I know...Oh how delusional that sounds...knowing that we can't learn the lesson...without the test...have the resolution...minus the trial...have the victory...without the battle scars...to feel nothing but love...and none of the lose. If only it was as simply as writing it all out...and being done with it. Life...sometimes is just not that easy. As if...putting it on paper...could erase all of life's hurts...all the pain...all the deception...some hurts can't let go of us so easily...some I guess we have to trust that time will take care of.
Truly...we are all a part of something... That is so much greater...than ourselves. Greater than what we could ever imagine... Yet, still defined by the power of one.
I have come to realize that sometimes...and maybe even most times...that it's in the valley's of our lives...and when we are at our weakest...that we really find out how great our God is...and what He is capable of...how strong He is...and just how far His love reaches. If you know me at all...then you know that I am hands down...a Daddy's girl. Now don't think for one minute that I care any less for my Mama...cause I don't...but I am reconciled to the fact that a Daddy's girl...I am. For those that know my family...then you know that my father can no longer walk on his own...his speech is severely impaired...and he can no longer see as he once could. My mother is his primary caregiver 24 hours a day...everyday. On Sunday...Father's Day...in the midst of having all my family over for the Father's Day celebration, my mama shared this precious truth with me. If my memory serves me correctly...we were talking about diets (of all things)...when the conversation changed quickly as mama said..."Kristy, I told your daddy this morning...that I pray to God every morning...that He(God)...will help me...to be strong enough "today"...to take care of him(my daddy)"...and that one statement touched my heart. It went to the very core of who I am. I honestly, don't think she even realized just how much that one sentence moved me. How many of us are that selfless? To pray for strength for ourselves is one thing...but to pray for strength...for someone else...I admit...that goes beyond my normal scope of prayer. Forgive me, Lord. At 40...I am still learning from my folks...on how to live...how to love...and how to trust...and for that I am so ever thankful!
The true measure of a person... Is not in the great feats they master... Or in the following they have... Nor the amount of money they make. It can't be found in their title...or their schooling... It can't be gauged by the accolades they acquire... Nor the amount of people that look to them...as a leader... It's not in their abilities...or in their deficiencies... It's not something that you can acquire...or learn...or come to believe... It's not in the size of their estate...or the number of associates that scramble at their feet... It's not in the accomplishments they have made...at all... The measure of a person...is always revealed in the heart...of that person... It is seen in how they're willing to "go to bat" for that one that is being ridiculed? It is seen in the person that rises to the challenge of defending those that can't defend themselves... It is seen in the person that hurts for those those around them...that hurt... It is seen in the person that is willing to defend those that are in need... And those that have been abused...those left broken...and used. Defending those that have stood alone...but can now...no longer stand...on their own... Rescuing those that no longer have the strength to stand...against their accusers... It is seen in the person that goes without...all...so that someone else can have...some... It is seen in the person that chooses be a voice...for those that no longer can find their own... It is seen in the one that holds the spoon to the mouth...of the one that no longer can hold the spoon... It is seen in the person...that continuously sacrifices self...without thought of recoupment... It is seen in the person that has a heart for others... I would rather be the person...or associate with the person...that is moved to do the right thing...because in their heart...even though maybe they, themselves can't fully explain it... They are just moved...to do so...to always place others first... That...is the measure of a person.
So I find myself…here… With so many thoughts… Things on my heart… Words… See…that’s what I keep coming back to… Words…. That one word…speaks…volumes… It’s never just words…not to me… To me they mean…so much more… They signify…truth…honor…integrity… A bond…revelation shared… Honesty…declared… Understood…trusted… A gift…shared… So many things… But never…Ever…“Nothing“… My words matter… They count… Not spoken in vain… Not shared...to take up space… Not to make light of...pain... Never to fill a void… Sometimes…to put in place… Not to be overlooked.... Dismissed...or displaced... They are no longer mere letters... Held together on paper… Being accompanied by sounds and syllables… No…they are now a testament of truth… My truth… And at the end of the day… That’s what I am left with… My words… My truth.
Sometimes... In my mind...it's as if...I can still see her... That girl...12 years old...so clearly... Bare-footed...tom-boy...and by appearance...tough... Only she knows the truth...that within...she is so tender... So easily broken...bruised...simply by the words spoken... Denim shorts...red and white quarter length sleeve shirt... So determined...and with a confidence... No...correction...not confidence... It's a desperation that moves her forward... Desperate to be free of this heaviness... At 12...she feels as though she is carrying... The weight of the world...on her shoulders... A desperation...that she is beginning to know too well... She finds herself...as if...on a mission... Heading down that old dirt path... That same path...that she has walked... So many times before... Taking her to that old familiar place... Her place...to pour it all out... Quiet...alone...content to just sit... Her place to think...to contemplate... To try and understand...all that has happened... To try to make sense of it all...to grow... With all the strength this girl possesses...she continues on... Arms swinging...back and forth...as her stride becomes faster... Her mind so aware...of what her heart feels...and the weight she carries... Picking up the pace now...time is of the essence... She reaches her destination...throwing herself to the ground... Her knees hitting the ground as her hands follow... Head bowed...her face so close to the dirt...that she can actually smell it... It is here...that she finds solace...rest for her soul.... It's here...that she learned to cry out to God... Down here...at the plant-bed...that she first began to pour-out... It's here that the tears fall...freely to the ground... Washing away all her pain...all her secrets...all her hurts... All those things that have weighed... so heavy on her.... All the hurts she has seen...and heard...felt... It's here that she realizes...that she can be free... Weightless...empty of it all... By giving it all over...to God... It's here...that she began to understand the difference... Between the pain...and the gift... It's here that she began to see... That she is just the... Conduit... ...from which the gift should flow... Kristy Fields Turnage 3-26-2011
There are times...I find... That my heart...cries out... It simply...just cries out.... From the very depth...of who I am... It cries out...as unto the deep...
Screaming even...wondering... Can anybody...hear me? Feel my pain...my hurt? Sometimes I feel stuck in this place... Of heartache...of hurt...of grief... Searching for the ability...to just breath... That simple act...no longer comes naturally... Conscious effort has to now be made... Each inhale a painful reminder... Each exhale a sacrificial sigh... Sometimes it's as though... I am screaming out...to deaf ears? Wondering why...I have to scream...at all? Is it that hard...to hear...me? To just listen? Really? Wish I could understand the depth... To which I feel things...it's so deep... So very deeply...I find I hurt for people... Deep within me is this need...to make things right... To fix all the brokenness...that touches my life... My heart cries out...for the pain...I feel...but can not fix... My heart cries out for the pain that I carry... Inflicted by others...yet...carried by me... My heart cries out...for friendships... Built on truth...common-ground...and honesty... Sharing a sacred bond...held to a higher standard... That left only pain and deception...in it's wake... But mostly...the selfish part of me...cries out... To be free...of this painful burden...this heavy weight... To be able to move on...move forward...pain-free... It's the heart that searches...for reassurance. That seeks out the truth... And not the truth as displayed...today... But consistent...today and tomorrow... Is it too much to ask for a constant? Something steady to hold too? Solid ground? Something trustworthy...reliable. Can people just please...hold your ground... I mean...really...consistency people... It's not that hard... But it is...key. But...until then...I am here...and for you... My heart cries out.
In a world that continues to try to tell us who we are ....Here we stand...just being who we are...and we are who we are and as strong as we are because of the struggles and trials that we have not only endured but also come through. So here I am! Stronger!
